


Ice Guys Finish Last

by modestlobster



Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Accounting Jokes, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Bisexual Character, F/M, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 04:44:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8783641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modestlobster/pseuds/modestlobster
Summary: The thought of meeting up with his ex-girlfriend is enough to make Bobby 'Iceman' Drake want to jump out of a window.
So he does.
But the consequences that come with it - vampires, Pride parades, and other falling objects - are way more than he bargained for.
--------
2016 Bootleg Universe script contest entry. I'm really happy with how it turned out - but it didn't win anything, so I'm posting it here for your enjoyment.
If you're up-to-date on Iceman's and Jubilee's current statuses in the comics, you may appreciate some of this more.Any references you aren't sure of, just ask, and I'll point you in the direction of my inspiration.





	1. ACT I

EXT. WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES BUILDING - DAY

Downtown San Francisco. Tracking upward along the reflective exterior of the skyscraper.

We’re almost to the top of the building (which is emblazoned: ‘Worthington Industries’) when our attention is diverted by a LOUD CRACKING - like someone flexing a massive ice cube tray.

There. One of the thick, floor-to-ceiling glass windows is fragmenting all over. Looks like it could shatter any second.

Like... NOW! – when a brown-haired, 30-ish accountant (who is uncomfortably stuffed into a silver-grey suit and tie) comes shoulder-charging out through it from inside the building.

FYI, this is BOBBY DRAKE, better known as ICEMAN of the X-Men (a team of mutant superheroes).

ICEMAN / BOBBY (Voice-Over)  
I know this looks like I’ve just had a really  
bad day at the office, but trust me...

Bobby has a wide shit-eating grin on his face as his momentum carries him out of the former window.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
This is actually the best part.

That is, until he glances down.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Oh, fffff---!

But TIME STOPS before Bobby’s expletive can be completed. The scene is frozen on the exact moment that panic has stricken - contorting Bobby’s face, his eyes wide with fear.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Yep, it all goes downhill from here.

We take a quick look down for emphasis.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Literally.

But hold your horses. There’s something we’ve got to see first. Looking back up, we travel past Bobby, past the ice-covered glass shards hanging motionless in mid-air, and into:

INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM - WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES

Time is paused here, too. The scene is a classic X-men fan’s still-life evocation of Da Vinci’s ‘Last Supper’ -- but less ‘Jesus and His Disciples’, and more ‘mutant superheroes in business-casual civvies around a pretentious mahogany table’.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Ladies and gentlemen - allow me to introduce  
‘the strangest heroes of all’... My friends!

Our dream team consists of:

1\. CYCLOPS / SCOTT, late 30s, a brown-haired Boy-Scout-type wearing red-lensed (technically ‘ruby-quartz’) sunglasses;

2\. EMMA FROST, late 30s, a haughty buxom blonde, whose assets nearly spill out of her unyielding white dominatrix outfit;

3\. JUBILEE, a petite 20-ish Chinese-American punk princess, rocking a spiky pixie cut, a yellow trench coat, black body suit, and pink shades - her chewing gum currently mid-bubble;

4\. STORM, a naturally-striking 40-ish African goddess (in all aspects of the word), with a stark white mohawk hairstyle;

5\. ANGEL / WARREN, late 30s, a posh blond - pristinely white feathered wings protruding from his designer suit; he is the heir / owner of Worthington Industries, and looking unamused;

6\. WOLVERINE / LOGAN, a squat ‘n burly 40-something Canadian, wearing his finest lumberjack flannel, which complements his muttonchops and dark ‘Ace Ventura’ / Flock of Seagulls hair;

7\. COLOSSUS / PIOTR, the largest, most imposing, dark-haired Russian guy you’ve ever seen (but really he’s a big softie);

8\. ROGUE, a 30-ish ‘Southern belle’ with wavy brunette hair and white skunk-stripe bangs, wearing elbow-length gloves;

9\. GAMBIT, a 30-something brown-haired Cajun master thief in a brown trench coat, 5 o’clock shadow and red-and-black eyes.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Feared and hated by the world they  
have sworn to protect. They are...

TIME UNFREEZES. Jubilee’s bubblegum bursts - she flicks her shades up, unearthly red eyes narrowing as she looks toward the shattered window. There is a moment of silence from the room, before great minds think alike:

JUBILEE & WOLVERINE  
(together)  
Dammit, Bobby.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
(continued)  
Understandably pissed off!  
(beat)  
Can you blame me for jumping?

While the rest of the room exchange glances with one another, Jubilee is out of her over-plush chair in a restless instant. Wolverine flicks her a small clear pouch of blood-red liquid; she catches it, then shoves open the boardroom double doors.

INT. HALLWAY - WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES

Jubilee quickly studies the directions on the wall: Elevators left; Stairs & Roof Access to the right. She huffs and bares her teeth, revealing some extra-pointy canines. She rolls her eyes, flicks her shades down, then transforms into a CLOUD OF MIST.

That’s right - she’s a vampire, bitches. It’s canon.

EXT. WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES BUILDING - DAY

Suddenly we’re back to our regularly scheduled Iceman. Bobby Drake is still right where we left him hanging. TIME RESUMES.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
(continued)  
\--fffffphoenix’ sake!

Bobby flails, falling, before roughly catching himself in mid-air on a slide made of ice, which he generates from one hand.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Too cool to die. I’m way too cool to die.

Bobby regains his feet and continues his descent, now sailing smoothly via ice slide. A familiar mist cloud soon catches up and materializes into Jubilee. She hovers in pace beside him.

JUBILEE  
You know you just literally bailed out  
of the annual accounts meeting?

With his free hand, Bobby loosens then ditches his necktie.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
I know.

JUBILEE  
Bobby, _you’re_ the _accountant_.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
I know.

Bobby shrugs off his jacket as well and lets it fall away.

JUBILEE  
(frustrated)  
This isn’t like you!

Bobby grins at the thought.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
I know.  
(beat)  
It’s awesome!

EXT. STREET LEVEL - WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES BUILDING

A CHILD looks upward then points something out to her MOTHER.

CHILD  
Look, it’s the Silver Surfer!

Well, no, it’s Bobby. He lands roughly on the sidewalk nearby and quickly creates an ICE SHIELD above the Mother and Child, to deflect the subsequent brief but TORRENTIAL RAIN OF GLASS SHARDS. The Mother disgustedly waits for the danger to pass.

MOTHER  
No, it’s one of those fucking mutants.

CHILD  
(parroting)  
Fucking mutants!

Mother drags the Child away. Bobby blinks once - he’s heard it all before - then ducks around the corner of the building.

EXT. ALLEYWAY NEXT TO WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES

Jubilee waits against the wall, casually draining the blood from the pouch Wolverine gave her like it’s a juice box, and plays with a light-bending charm on a chain around her neck.

JUBILEE  
I don’t even wanna know how much time you spent  
doing Danger Room sims of jumping out of windows.

INT. DANGER ROOM SIMULATION - WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES BUILDING

FLASHBACK. A frenzied MONTAGE of Bobby’s attempts at jumping out a window; effectively a dozen or so shots of him slamming fruitlessly against an impervious floor-to-ceiling window.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Turns out there’s an art to smashing through plate glass.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. ALLEYWAY NEXT TO WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You have no idea how long I’ve been  
waiting for an excuse to do that!

JUBILEE  
Yeah, I’m sure Warren’s gonna be real  
thrilled that your dream’s come true.

Bobby shrugs noncommittally and passes by her purposefully.

JUBILEE  
No. Don’t tell me you are so lame, you did a financial  
analysis on breaking Warren’s freakin’ window!

Jubilee chucks her empty pouch into a dumpster, then follows.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
(deadpan)  
We hadn’t gotten to that part of the Powerpoint yet.

JUBILEE  
Oh, you’re such a dork... Well, we can always go back.

A POLICE SIREN bleats briefly, somewhere beyond the alley. We start noticing the sound of a LOUD COMMOTION going on nearby.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Something important’s suddenly come up.

JUBILEE  
More important than the team?

Jubilee stops, waiting for an answer. But Bobby doesn’t. As he walks, he pulls a folded envelope out of his shirt pocket.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
For the first time in my life...

INT. CLASSROOM AT THE X-MEN INSTITUTE

FLASHBACK. An EXTREME CLOSE UP on a large block of solid ice, which obscures anything else from view.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
(continued)  
I’m finally putting myself first.


	2. ACT II

INT. CLASSROOM AT THE X-MEN INSTITUTE

FLASHBACK. An EXTREME CLOSE UP on a large block of solid ice, which obscures anything else from view.

An ice carving tool strikes the block, beginning to chisel it into some kind of ice sculpture.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
First rule of ice carving:  
You don’t talk about ice carving.

The rest of Bobby’s lecture is punctuated by various tools cutting, hitting, scraping the ice.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Second rule of ice carving: Cut away  
everything that isn’t your sculpture. Easy.  
(beat)  
Also a good metaphor for life...  
You can figure out who you are,  
by figuring out everything you’re not.

INDISTINCT MURMURING from the unseen class of students. The murmuring dies down when a DOOR OPENS off-screen, followed by the sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS which approach the block of ice.

WOLVERINE / LOGAN (OFF SCREEN)  
Didn’t realize you were teaching Art this week.

A letter (addressed to Robert Drake at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning) is thrust into our view, speared on the metal claws that protrude from between Wolverine’s knuckles.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Someone has to, when you don’t turn up.

Touché. More INDISTINCT MURMURING from the class, enjoying this exchange. Bobby retrieves the envelope off the claws.

WOLVERINE / LOGAN (O.S.)  
Well. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, bub.

Wolverine casually makes two vertical slices on the sculpture before his HEAVY FOOTSTEPS retreat; a DOOR CLOSES off-screen.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
(to the class)  
Alright, this isn’t “How to Watch Ice Melt 101”  
\-- Get to work!

SOUNDS OF SCRAPING AND CHISELING fill the room. We track the envelope in Bobby’s hands as he walks away from his carving.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
I hate to let a good metaphor go to waste...  
So, who am I not? Well, I’m not Logan.  
(imitating)  
He’s “the best there is at what he does.”

Bobby opens his mail and finds cut-and-pasted magazine words.

Page 1 reads:  
MAGNETS  
ARE  
SEXY!

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
I’m not Scott. He’s the responsible  
one. Always prepared for anything.

Page 2 reads:  
MY HAIR  
IS  
GREEN

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
And Warren. He’s the really rich  
ridiculously good-looking one.

Page 3 reads:  
I KNOW  
YOUR  
SECRET

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Jean Paul’s the... fabulous one.

Page 4 reads:  
THERE’S A WAREHOUSE  
AT THE START OF THE  
PARADE ROUTE TOMORROW

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
And Piotr’s the strong one. Y’know,  
“in Soviet Russia, jar opens you.”

Page 5 reads:  
SO COME OUT  
AND  
FIND ME

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
So what does that leave for me...

A QUIET CRACKING SOUND gets our attention. The pages slip out of view, and we see Bobby’s ice sculpture of a roughly-carved butterfly in the background. Then the wings fall off, exactly in line with Wolverine’s two vertical cuts - leaving only the body intact.

The class giggles. Bobby sighs.

It’s a big dick.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. ALLEYWAY NEXT TO WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES

Bobby stuffs the pre-speared envelope into his pants pocket. Jubilee rejoins him. That LOUD COMMOTION is even louder now.

JUBILEE  
C’mon, where are we headed?

In lieu of answering, Bobby strips off his long-sleeve dress shirt and tosses it aside, leaving the bright pink-lavender-blue color gradient t-shirt he has on underneath. They round the corner and find themselves smack-dab in the middle of:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO PRIDE PARADE - DAY

A huge, flamboyant LGBT+ crowd watches and cheers the parade.

JUBILEE  
Oh, Bobby... Why didn’t you say so?  
You know Jean-Paul’s already here,  
right...? See, look - there he is!

Jubilee waves furiously at NORTHSTAR / JEAN-PAUL, the French-Canadian ex-Olympic skier with silver-streaked black hair who is currently lip-locked to his African American husband KYLE.

Bobby still doesn’t stop. He fights his way against the flow of the crowd. Jubilee manages to keep up with him, although she’s distracted by some sparsely-clothed Pride participants.

JUBILEE  
Are you feeling a lil’ overdressed?  
‘Cause I’m feeling overdressed. And if  
we hang around here much longer, I swear  
I’m gonna bite someone. And not in a fun way.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Don’t joke about stuff like that.

JUBILEE  
Gee, sorry. What’s with you being Mr. Serious  
all of a sudden? We’re not in Bizarro World,  
last time I checked. So what’s going on?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
I’m just trying to do my own thing.

JUBILEE  
And I’m just trying to help!

Bobby stops dead in his tracks. They are near the nondescript door of an industrial building. The crowd’s thinned out here.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You know, if I wanted a sidekick,  
I’d call up Spidey or Human Torch.  
Hell, even Herc or Ghost Rider, if--

JUBILEE  
Whoa. Let’s get something straight, Frosty:  
I don’t want or need to be your ‘side’ anything.  
And the only ‘kick’ you’re ever gonna get  
outta me is to your butt, into next week.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Then why are you here, Jubes?

JUBILEE  
‘Cause I’m _choosing_ to be here.

Bobby sighs in resignation. He waves her away from the door.

JUBILEE  
And ‘cause I think you’re gonna do something stupid.  
(beat)  
Well, like, more stupid than usual.

INT. INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE - NEAR PARADE ROUTE

Bobby shoulder-charges in through the nondescript door. It’s dim here compared to outside. Jubilee makes a point of trying the door knob. It turns easily. Bobby gives a sheepish shrug.

JUBILEE  
How nice, someone left it unlocked for us.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Not for ‘us’, Jubes - for _me._

JUBILEE  
If you want me to go, just say the word...

Bobby tries the light switches near the door several times. Nothing happens. He peers in toward the vast semi-darkness.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Actually, you know what would be really useful right now?

JUBILEE  
If you say “lumikinetic energy plasmoids”,  
I’m going to bite you.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
...Lumikinetic energy plasmoids.

Jubilee hisses and bares her fangs. Bobby raises his forearms up defensively in a crude cross and backs away into the room.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Hey, remember that time when that  
priest blessed me as Holy water?

JUBILEE  
You know, I _do_ have more important things I could be  
doing right now. Like rescuing my son from daycare--

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
How does that even work? I mean, I never read Twilight -  
but I didn’t think vampires could get pregnant.

JUBILEE  
We ‘do it’ the same way that normal people do, dweeb.

Bobby raises an eyebrow. Jubilee gives him a withering look.

JUBILEE  
We adopt.

Bobby takes a wrong step and backs into a row of warehouse racking. There is an OMINOUS CLANKING from somewhere nearby.

JUBILEE  
That was creepy.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You’re a _vampire._

JUBILEE  
Yeah, which means I have high creep standards!

Suddenly, MACHINERY NOISES and a woman’s CACKLING LAUGHTER.

JUBILEE  
See? Totally creeptastic!

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Something tells me we’re not alone.

Bobby and Jubilee round the corner to find green-haired LORNA DANE, aka POLARIS (aka Bobby’s ex) atop some wildly thrashing machinery. Bobby sighs, producing the letter from his pocket.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
So what’s this all about?

POLARIS / LORNA  
Who’s that? Your girlfriend?

Jubilee gives Bobby an awkward look, but she doesn’t have to.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Nope. My girlfriend left me for a guy in space.

Lorna steps down from the equipment and it grinds to a halt.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Come to think of it - _You_ left me for a guy in space, Lorna.

POLARIS / LORNA  
And what does that tell you, Bobby?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
That space sucks?

JUBILEE  
Well, it _is_ a vacuum.

An epically awful joke. Everyone knows it. Bobby’s in love.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
(to Jubilee)  
Changed my mind. Will you marry me?

POLARIS / LORNA  
Wow, that’s got to be a new record for you, Bobby.  
Too bad you’re gay, and your ‘beards’ don’t fool  
anyone anymore. Not even _Vampirella_ here.

Jubilee rolls her eyes at Lorna, but watches Bobby warily.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
I’m the only one who gets to pick my labels, Lorna. And I think  
my shirt is loud enough about where I’m standing on the spectrum.  
So what’s the deal? I mean, this is all a bit crazy, even for you.  
(to Jubilee)  
And embarrassing. If you want to--

Jubilee instantly transforms and vanishes in a cloud of mist.

POLARIS / LORNA  
Don’t you hate it when they don’t turn out to be who you imagined?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Oh like it’s really a ‘big secret’.

Lorna eyes him skeptically. Bobby throws the envelope at her.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
_Everyone_ knows about it: “Bobby’s time-traveling younger self is gay!”  
Were you afraid of missing out on rubbing it in my face?

POLARIS / LORNA  
Oh, Bobby...

Lorna shakes her head. She steps toward Bobby, her arms open.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You know, we could’ve just met in a coffee shop  
instead of doing your whole “Mistress of Magnetism” show.

POLARIS / LORNA  
Oh, did you think I’ve been using my mutation to move this machinery?

INT. WAREHOUSE CONTROL ROOM

The body of a WAREHOUSE WORKER is slumped bloodily against the wall beneath an industrial control panel.


	3. ACT III

INT. INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Bobby has the same panic-stricken look as when he was falling out of the sky. Lorna closes in and grabs his throat with one hand. She transforms into a blue-skinned, red-haired, golden- eyed and villainous shape-shifting beauty: MYSTIQUE / RAVEN.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Oh, _phoenix’ sake_. Raven. What a surprise.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Aww, don’t get all _choked up_ on my account.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Why do you still hate me so much?

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Hate you? After all the trouble  
I’ve gone through? Maybe it’s _love._

Bobby struggles as Raven traces her finger along his jawline.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Stop.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Am I making you uncomfortable?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Please.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Make me.

A SNOWBALL comes out of left field and explodes on her cheek.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Well, that’s a cute trick.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Yeah. Want to see another?

Raven’s lip curls into a sneer, when - from right field this time - an ICEBALL utterly clocks her in the face, knocking her to the floor. It bounces heavily on the concrete nearby.

Bobby backs away, out of reach, touching his neck gingerly.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You know, you’re so used to people hurting you,  
that I don’t know how else to get your attention.

Raven’s eyes burn with hatred. She swipes at the fresh blood trickling down her cheek, smearing it down her face.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Oh. So that makes this “okay”...

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
No. It doesn’t.

Bobby looks for a FIRST AID KIT; it’s mounted near a ‘Danger: Falling Objects’ sign: a man cowers from a cascade of debris.

EXT. STREET LEVEL - WORTHINGTON INDUSTRIES BUILDING

FLASHBACK. Bigoted Mother and Child huddling under Bobby’s ice shield, while glass window shards rain down above them.

END FLASHBACK

INT. INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
No, I’m supposed to _protect_ the people who fear me...

Raven snorts derisively. Bobby wrenches the kit off the wall.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
_And_ the people who hate me.

Bobby opens the kit. Empty. He throws it away in frustration. He sighs and offers Raven a hand. She hesitates for a moment.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
But I’m human. So I fuck up sometimes.

Raven takes his hand, but as soon as she is on her feet, she pushes him roughly up against the nearest warehouse racking.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Poor baby - hard being a hero, huh?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Why are you doing this?

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
To make sure you suffer all the appropriate  
consequences for your little secret.

Raven unholsters a handgun from the belt around her waist.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Isn’t it funny - I always told you you were going to die alone.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Yeah, that’s kinda why I broke up with you, Raven.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Oh? It _wasn’t_ because you were too afraid to ask me  
to morph into ‘Mr. Angel Wings’ in the bedroom?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
...No, it was definitely the death threats.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Fine, then. No more _threats_ , Robert dear - just promises.

Raven places the muzzle of the gun against Bobby’s forehead. Wisps of freezing vapor start to emanate from all over him.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Maybe I should start making good on some of my own promises...

INT. CLASSROOM AT THE X-MEN INSTITUTE

FLASHBACK. Freezing vapor swirls off the icy butterfly-dick. The class is still GIGGLING. Bobby takes a calming breath.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
Like even though I’m not the strong guy;  
or the fabulous one; rich and good-looking;  
responsible; or even the best at what _I_ do...

Bobby casually raises his hand in the direction of the ice.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
I always try to be a nice guy. Nice  
enough. I keep carving away at it.

The ice sculpture crumbles, collapsing into a pile of slush.

ICEMAN / BOBBY (V.O.)  
But sometimes enough is enough.  
It's OK to have a few rough edges.

The slush suddenly ERUPTS and forms a terrifying ice phoenix, everything around it blast-coated in ice. The room is SILENT.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
(to the class)  
Any questions?

END FLASHBACK

INT. INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Ice crystals are starting to form, glinting on Bobby’s skin.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
What are you gonna do to stop me?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
If I have to - freeze the entire fucking planet.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Tsk, tsk. Language. Naughty boy...  
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Raven cocks the hammer of the gun.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Do it.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Do what?

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
‘The entire fucking planet’.

Bobby’s shit-eating grin returns and Raven pulls the trigger.

Nothing happens.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
While we wait for your gun to thaw  
out, do you wanna Netflix & Chill?

Raven cracks Bobby in the cheek with the grip end of the gun, ejects the magazine at his face, then catches it on rebound.

Bobby recoils but still lands a solid kick to push her away.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You can’t hurt me any more, Raven.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
No?

Bobby holds out a hand in request for her to give up the gun. She hesitates briefly, then willingly tosses it at his feet.

As soon as Bobby looks down, Raven slams the loose magazine into another gun off her other hip, and - A SHOT RINGS OUT.

CLOSE UP on Bobby’s face. He blinks once, slowly, while we hear the sounds of SHATTERED ICE FALLING ONTO THE GROUND.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Damn.

Pulling back, we see it’s Bobby’s t-shirt that has shattered; underneath, his torso’s transformed into SOLID ICE, no longer flesh and blood. A bullet is lodged where his heart would be.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Was it worth the shot?

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Yeah. Now we know which one of us  
is the cold-hearted little bitch!

Bobby dives away as Raven FIRES AGAIN. The bullet ricochets off the warehouse racking. Bobby throws up a new ICE SHIELD.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
You called me crazy before, when I was Lorna.  
Didn’t realize you were such an ‘ally’ for mental health...

Raven paces back and forth, like an angry tigress in a cage.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN (CONT'D)  
_Crazy._ Is that what you think I am?

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
No. I didn’t mean that. If you need help - well,  
it’s okay to need help sometimes. Because it  
gets better, Raven. But you have to want it to.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN

Only weak people need help,  
Bobby. And you’re one of them.

Raven aims at Bobby, crouched behind his wall of ice. A CLOUD OF MIST mingles through the freezing vapor coming off of it.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You wanna keep hating me? Go ahead.  
It’s water off my back, Raven.  
(beat)  
I know someone out there likes me.

Raven snorts. She eyes the light fixtures above Bobby’s ice.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Yeah, I know there’s a whole fucking  
parade going on out there _for you._

Raven shoots at the darkened lights until GLASS RAINS DOWN.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN (CONT'D)  
Except you haven’t earned it. You cowered and hid  
all these years, while the rest of us have fought for it,  
_suffered_ the consequences - lost lives, limbs, and love for it.  
(beat)  
And we didn’t have to buy a t-shirt to prove it.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
Is that the problem? I haven’t had it bad enough,  
so I can’t join the club? Well then, no thanks.  
That’s not the team I want to be on.

MYSTIQUE / RAVEN  
Everyone wants to be a hero...  
But there’s too many of you already.

Jubilee rematerializes, standing in the shadows beyond Bobby.

JUBILEE  
She’s got that right.

ICEMAN / BOBBY  
You’re back.

JUBILEE  
Well, duh.

A slow panning shot around reveals the rest of the team from the boardroom (Cyclops, Emma Frost, Storm, Angel, Wolverine, Colossus, Rogue, and Gambit) are also waiting in the wings, now in uniform and ass-kicking mode.

JUBILEE (CONT'D)  
What, didja think I left you for a guy in space?

A SHOT RINGS OUT.

CUT TO BLACK


End file.
